Waiting for the world to change

My Little Destin Gaia

2011-01-29T20:05:00.001-08:00

Destin's Stroller

2011-01-20T21:06:00.000-08:00

I want everything special for my Little angel.
I want to give my daughter everything I could possibly offer.
I want the best for my Little Destin.

Here's her new ride given by Grandpa Phil.

Destin's Baby Shower

2011-01-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

I can't thank God enough for giving friends who truly love and care for me and my Baby Destin.

Happiness

2010-10-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

I have been gabbling about happiness since yesterday, if it should matter in this life or not.But it does matter, as a matter of fact every human being longs to be happy. Happiness. Such a beautiful word and my conquest to finding such a sublime beauty has ended the moment I've learned that I am pregnant although it did not occur to me automatically that the baby is a blessing, a precious gift from God. 

It took me awhile to accept that I am carrying a baby inside my womb, that there's a life inside the inner reaches of my body. The day she started kicking was the day I have convinced myself that I am going to be a mother. It's a beauty, it's the kind of happiness that is so hard to find in this world yet it's in my hands now, I am groping it and I am not letting it go.

What is happiness? I define happiness as something you never expect to have, some little things you thought would not give you pleasure, those little kicks from my little Destin. Happiness is knowing who you really are, knowing what you want in this life. Now I am sure of what I want, I want to be a Mother.

Destin Gaia

2010-10-23T07:10:00.001-07:00

God gave me a baby girl. Her name is Destin Gaia. Destin is a french word for fate or destiny. Gaia means earth. She was the mother goddess who presided over the earth. She was the mate of Uranus and the mother of the Titans and the Cyclopes. Destin just like the story of how me and her Dad made this Destiny. And yes I firmly believe that we make our own destiny. Regrets? Why would I?

When I was in college I've always wanted to name my baby "Earth" but I just can't let her suffer the ridicule for having such an awful name. So I would have to name her Destin Gaia. Gaia also depicts a very strong personality, which is going to be what my baby should become.

Motherhood means change

2010-10-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

People are afraid of change. And I am not an exception to that. I am incredibly afraid of change. I discovered it while trying to prepare for work. Everything is a routine. I wake up 4:30, do a quick shower, eat the meal I had prepared last night, brush my teeth, and then wear something nice and walk until I get to ride a jeepney (inexpensive public transportation only in the Philippines.) I never change any of those routines,because if I will, I will be coming late for work. A workmate also noticed something on my computer, I had never been comfortable having a mishmash of the things I use for work. It's not Obsessive-Compulsive disorder but I just don't want to change what I am used to working with. I don't want to confuse myself. I don't want to change anything. I hate change.  

Now I am trudging a new path. It's the path to Motherhood. And this is more than change. It's scary yet my stomach is getting bigger and I know I am going to be a mother pretty soon. I am 24, just the right age to marry, just the right age to become a mother yet my system says I am not ready for this big change yet. But I don't want my baby to think I am not capable to be a mother, I want him to think he's loved and he will be loved. 

I refused those little changes, but here I am facing the most remarkable change a woman can ever experience. My mother died five years ago, Grandma died a year ago. Where will I seek guidance and advice? So to the mothers out there, you might want to drop your advice here.

Baby Destin is a boy

2010-10-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

In three days, I am going to see my baby. I've been so excited since the last month to check my baby's gender but due to my exiguous resources, I wasn't able to have the pelvic ultrasound and so I asked my OB-GYNE to have it scheduled this Saturday. Hey Destin? Are you a girl? are you a boy? Mommy wants to know.

I wanted to have a baby boy, now for what reason? I've always wanted to have an older brother someone who could fight for me, someone who could stop the bullies from ridiculing me. So, I just wished that God will grant me this one wish of mine. But I can feel it, Destin is a boy, a healthy baby boy, a handsome baby boy. 

I wanted a baby boy, but I know God has his own plans. If it's a girl, if it's a boy. It would still be the greatest gift I will be receiving this February.

Thank You Lord.

I love you Baby Destin.

My Baby's Development (DESTIN @ 24 weeks)

Your fetus weighs more than 1.3 pounds/ 600 grams. Though she still has little body fat and her skin is thin and fragile, she's now well-proportioned. Her brain is growing rapidly, and she is starting to fill the space in your uterus. From crown to heel she could measure 11.8 inches/ 30 centimeters. If you went into labor
at this time, however, many obstetricians and doctors would make every effort to halt the progress of premature labor to enable your baby to continue maturing. 

You may be noticing faint, red or brown streaks known as striae or stretch marks on your abdomen, hips and breasts. While creams won't erase them, wearing a supportive bra may help prevent or minimize them on your breasts. They are very common at this stage of the pregnancy - about 90 per cent of women get them. After you've given birth, the reddish or brown pigmentation in the stretch marks gradually fades, and the streaks become lighter than the surrounding skin.

Rain

2010-10-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

The sloshing of the raindrops on the big glass window beside me and the roaring thunder scared me a bit. The rain is one of God's beautiful gifts and I used to love the rain (not that I hate the rain now, I just feel sad), the cold breeze, the frogs' loud shrieks. I used to play barefoot in the rain. I miss home. I badly miss home.I miss sleeping 6 in the evening while hiding under the covers beside Grandma.I miss the feeling of terror when you feel like the lightning is going to hit the mirror. I miss all the simple joys in life.

I am pretty sure Destin heard the thunder too and I am sure he heard the hie beating of my heart. Nak, Don't worry, you might think Mommy is scared but I am going to fight for you and I am going to topple down any kinds of obstacles for you and for me, for us.

I love James Morrison's song "Please don't stop the rain," but I would have to stop singing it for now. Just stop the rain, stop the rain. Rain rain go away.

Money

2010-10-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

What is it about money? Does it make the world go round? I've always been convinced that money has no value at all. I have been so nonchalant that I didn't even bother to ask my father to start working for the family's expenses. All I care about was for them to give 5 bucks every time I go to school for a banana cue and ice candy. Other than that, I didn't really care. I've always wanted simple living, be able to eat three times a day, buy the things I want (of course not the expensive ones), have a house in the middle of the woods surrounded with beautiful and aromatic flowers. That's all I want, until one day it occurred to me that money has become man's source of happiness. Contesting about that would mean I don't need money. I do need money. Not to buy happiness but to satiate my needs as a human being and fight for survival.

It's pay day. But why do I get the idea that I would still be scrounging for pennies. I have mouths to feed for Pete's sake. And while Baby Destin is still inside my tummy I have to make extra effort to save for his future. And yes! I am an expectant Mom with a humongous responsibility to my siblings and my Father.

Hey Money...Can you stop acting like you are the most important thing in this world. Damn you. I blame it on you.

Stress

2010-10-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

"Quotidian"

From:

A response to a new book about how stress and health conditions in a pregnant woman's life affect fetal development

Stress is a fact of life indeed, but one can alter his lifestyle to be able to cope this. Having a positive disposition in life can also help minimize stress. In my situation right now where ricocheting emotions are present due to hormonal imbalance, I tend to worry too much. I panicked a lot of times, what if I can't make it? What if my baby looks like this or like that? Another stressful thing is when you open your mind widely and think about the baby's future and think of so many possibilities. I need to have my own house, my own car, sufficient savings for my baby's education. It's a big world out there. It is just way too stressful.

Stress is something one can't avoid yet can be managed. I should stop thinking too much, I should stop panicking and do something relaxing. Listening to Mozart has been a habit since unborn likes to listen to classical music. We both read the Holy Bible which made me a little contemplative. I also spent times outside the house for a fresh air, it is sometimes suffocating to just lie snugly on your bed and wait for your instinctive unconsciousness.

Now here's one thing I have learned while smashing on the keyboard while waiting for the rain to stop, "one step at a time."

Smile Smile Smile. Life is a beauty. Being stressed out is ugly.

You are my reason

2010-10-08T02:11:00.000-07:00

What kind of person am I? Selfish? Selfless? Or maybe I am just complacent. The kind who is unconcerned. I don't know anymore. I love my family. I love my Papa. I love my siblings. I love them all. But I love my self. I love my future. I love my baby Destin. I just don't know how to handle things anymore, I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to ditch them just because I now have my Destin. I don't know how to tell them my situation. I don't want to walk away from my responsibilities just because I now have my own but where else would I scrounge for more money? What else will I do, I would love to work overtime just so I could give even a scanty amount to my family but I don't want to castigate myself with so much work and stress. Life is hard, life is a pain sometimes yet I am a happy person. I don't want to frown just because I only have pennies in my wallet and that two dollar bill my cousin gave me as a souvenir.

I want the best in life. I want everything to be perfect for my little Destin. Yet my Papa's bombarding me with so much problems at home. I can't say no to them. Had I known this would happen, I would have planned it the best way. Yet there are things in life that would come in surprise. Things that would come inevitably without knocking on your doors. And that is my Destin. He's a surprise I never expected (surprise is meant to be unexpected).

At this moment I just could not tremble and cry because it would not make the situation better anyway. Whatever God gives me, I know it's given for a reason.

Destin you are here for a reason. I am your mother for a reason. I love you Baby Destin.

To the stranger

2010-10-07T02:17:00.000-07:00

Am I being hypocrite if I would say, you never crossed my mind? But the truth is I do miss you and I insanely want to talk to you. It's not a crime, is it? In our meager chance to know each other I wondered if it could have been better if I've known you for a long time. But chances do happen. I don't believe in coincidence but I believe in chances. Some day we will be crossing the same paths, trudging the same alley.

I don't know what I want, you don't know what you want and you were partly right about it. God knows how much I wanted to shout, hey can I and Destin be part of those plans and goals you are aiming for? But I don't know you, I don't know the person in you. In my poor attempt to read what was on your mind, I nearly broke down and was incredibly aghast, with what truly were running through your head. You are stranger to me but I hope one day you will become someone I know, someone I would respect and someone who would become Destin's epitome of goodness.

Haaaapppp. I miss you. Is it bad to miss a stranger? A stranger who is the father of my little Destin?

Destin's Spring

2010-10-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

For the coldness of the winter shall fade in the coming of the spring.
You are the first ray of light in my morning.

You are the blossoming of a violet.
You are the dew drop of a spider's web.
You are everything that's beautiful, every happy thoughts, every warming memory.

You are my Spring, You are my Destin.

I'd like you to be a part in welcoming a new season of my life. My spring falls on December 11, 2010.

Dress in flowers and wear a smile in your heart. Be there at 4pm. It'll be at my place. Bring a stuff animal with you.

Gift suggestions:
Baby bottles and nipples
baby mattress
tub
onesies
mittens
infant shoes
blanket for my Destin
sweater
pajama set
bottle brush
sterilizer
baby undies
baby diapers

To my baby Destoy

2010-10-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

My baby's kicking real hard that I can now feel it when I hold my tummy. And I look like a freak holding my tummy waiting for it to move again. These kinds of pleasures are not fleeting, they are eternal. I love you Baby Destin. Weeeeeeh. Mommy's so excited to see you.

I have never envisioned myself becoming a mother at this age. With a job not so stable, no house, no enough savings and worse of all no husband. But the truth is... I don't regret a thing. A friend of mine has told me "Motherhood would make someone a better person." And I don't want to disagree because at this point I am now on process of becoming one. I used to spendthrifts but now I need to be extra frugal (my baby's future is at stake.) I have never been this happy. I have never been this responsible. I used to ride life in reckless abandon but now I have an inspiration to be more refine and mature. Baby Destin, You are Mommy's greatest inspiration.

Lost

2010-04-11T17:01:00.001-07:00

I am a nomad. I have no home. I have no permanent place. Yesterday, I decided to create a tumblr account out of sheer boredom. An ordeal I have suffered for so long, waiting for something, waiting for some message to arrive but there wasn't any. So I went to my other blog account, but I couldn't find the courage to start. Starting the first word and then finding myself hitting the backspace button. So there, I made myself a tumblr account.

And now I find myself opening my blogger account, for what purpose? Is this me? Lost again?

Hello reality

2009-12-13T01:51:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't want to be put on pedestal? Me? Who was I kidding? I feel like a woman again, with the same needs of a woman, to be loved and cared. It's amazing that someone has sufficed this need yet you have no idea whether you have to hold on to this or not. But he does make me feel good. Whether he is aware or not. I don't really care. It just makes me kind of nervous, though, that someone gives me attention because I am just a girl and I easily fall at any kind of trap. I should be careful. I just can't risk my heart and my precious emotions.

Like any other girl, my expertise is to assume. To assume and anticipate things to happen. Like any other girl, I am good at giving meaning to something that is not really supposed to be regarded. It always brings catastrophe. Usually a devastating one. Now I just hope and pray that our friendship will not be put to risk.

He is a friend, with so much kindness and sweetness. Ask him anything you want and he'll give it to you, ice cream, shrimps, FOOD! and most especially his smiles, that could possibly break a shackle (exaggeration intended). He is a friend, and I should not give any malice to anything that he does, but I did. My mistake, I know.

Like all other things, this dream has to end too. I shall kiss this dream goodbye. And welcome a new one.

Dear Anonymous

2009-08-23T02:40:00.000-07:00

Sucks. I want to write but I can't find the words that are going to explain how I exactly feel right now. No one really compelled me to write but I have been in a writer's block for quite a long time. It felt so different. Like another being has existed in me. Like there are some missing parts that need to be sought out. Could I possibly be missing someone? or maybe you?

I hate to wallow in hopelessness and despair. So please let me know if you are real or I shall wait for nothin

Tonight

2009-08-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight is just one of those nights when the only thing you want to do is stay in your room and wait until something good happens without doing anything. Tonight is just one of those nights when you only want to stare at the sky and wait until the stars grow hotter and hotter and wait until they explode and become what they call falling stars and then you start to utter your wishes and the next second all your wishes shall come true.

But life isn't like that. You got to make some move dude or else "you will be subdued." (This one's from Jason Mraz.)

Dear Drew

2009-08-15T00:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start
Don't know what to write.
if sorry won't make things better,
I don't know what else I can do.
if I have hurt you so bad, my apology.
I know you are tired of hearing my apologies but that's all I can say.
I know I am lame and can't do anything
and can't give you anything
so where else are we heading?

Drew, you are such an amazing person
and in my life, you made my heart beat again.
I know it sounds "mushy" but what else will I hide from you?
I may not be able to give any effort, but damn, I wanted to do it.
it's just that, you are not my boyfriend.
Yes, you are special. But am I special to you?
Do you see my point?

If the call you made earlier
means goodbye forever,
I shall not stop you
but my heart shall long for you.

Chocolate

2009-08-14T12:26:00.001-07:00

Forrest's mother is right, Life is indeed like a box of chocolate, you don't know what you are going to get. Either the taste shall surprise you or it shall disgust you. I never asked any of these, I think no one would ask anything bad to happen to his/her own self. Although, I've seen the rain coming, but not exactly right now. Had I known it, I could have prepared my umbrella. But then again, I still reckon the idea of "life as a mystery." I am not completely remorseful about my life, I still have things I am proud of. Seriously, I do.

Tomorrow's going to be Grandma's funeral and I am tasked to give the eulogy but since I have to work, I couldn't attend nor utter the eulogy. I'm sure she will understand. Sigh.

P.S. Thank you Aunt Ging for the Milka chocolate, made me feel a little better.

Unfinished story

2009-08-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

Finally, I am back. Wonder if I could finish one paragraph. It seems that I lost the vibe to write. To tell a story. To tell my story.

I just lost someone very important. You know how that feels, right? The last time I cried real hard was 4 years ago, that was when I lost my Mom and my brother Invictus. And now I lost my Grandma. Why? Sometimes, I wonder why does life has to end? Wonder why it has to be difficult and painful? Wonder if there is really life after death? Because if there is, I just hope and pray that Mom, Invictus, Uncle and Grandma shall meet there.

Death is bittersweet. Bitter, because you'll never see the person again. Sweet, because God has finally met her.

See? This is all I've managed to write.

Prayer

2009-08-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

Lord, let the rain pour real hard today so that tomorrow I will be more than ready to face the world and its adversities.

Thank you.

You know who you are

2009-08-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

You killed my Mother

You never gave my brother a chance to see how beautiful the world is

You killed my uncle

You made Grandpa's walking impossible

And now you're taking away my Grandma's ability to talk?

You killed so many people

Are you happy now?

No words can convey how disgusted I am to all these things you have done.

Another heartbreak

2009-08-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

I can hear the throbbing of my heart, faster than before and then it stopped and then it trembled again. In piano lessons they call it "staccato". I can hear the screams inside me. I can hear the cries reverberating in my room. My shirt has been drenched with so much liquid poured by the rain. I got up to drink water and then I saw that dagger lying next to the glass and then he said, "Use me to stop your misery." And then I asked myself, "Where else will I seek for help?" and then I heard a very familiar voice from afar saying, "My child, Use me to stop your misery."

Lord, what have I done to deserve all these things? Am I not good enough? I have loved my family so much so much that it hurts. I have given them all the love I could possibly give. But then receive nothing but judgments and harsh words. Lord, give me strength that I may continue to walk on the path you reserve for me.

I have realized one thing today, the closest people in our lives are the ones that can hurt us most.

Hunger

2009-08-03T03:14:00.000-07:00

I went to the church today and listened to that Irish priest while he was delivering the homily. He talked about hunger.

Firstly, hunger for importance. We all want to be respected and to be of great worth to others. We want others to know that we are significant. Secondly, hunger for hope. No matter how life gives us problems. We still hope for the best. We hope that one day, life will be better. Thirdly, hunger for relationship. We always want to belong to someone. To be part of that someone's life. Fourthly, hunger for acceptance. We always seek approval from the people we meet in our everyday lives. We want to be accepted by the people we care about. Fifthly, We always have this yearning to love and to be loved by people. And this is hunger for love. Many people thought this is the greatest hunger we have. But there is one more, this hunger makes people want some more. This is the hunger for the Infinite. We all seek His presence.

I am not sure, if I did get the message of the priest correctly. But these are the things my small brain remembers.

P.S. Happy Sunday Everyone.

Invisible girl

2009-07-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

I wish I don't have the eyes to see your beautiful face, to see how polished your hair is, to see how the color of your polo shirt matches your skin, to see how your eyes speak a language only you could understand. I wish they are speaking to mine.

I wish I don't have the ears to hear your voice, because it sounds like you are talking from a distance and you couldn't even hear me back even when I am screaming out loud.

Yes you are so near, yet so far. And you don't even know my existence. I can touch you if I want to, but you seem so untouchable. I can reach you if I need to, but you seem so unreachable. Why are you so out of my league?

I am like the wind. No one sees me. But the harsh truth is, I do exist.

Some afternoon ramblings

2009-07-29T02:09:00.000-07:00

I had this question a long time ago, maybe I had formulated this one back when I was in college. Why do many Filipinas want to marry Americans? A very friend of mine is one example I can think of. She has all the accounts in the world like cherryblossoms, pinayheart and etcetera, etcetera. She broke up with her American boyfriend 3 years ago and never had the chance to find a new one. She is good looking no doubt about that. We found out recently, that the reason she never dated other men is the fact the she wanted to marry an American. She said she wants to have beautiful kids. Well, that's according to her. But as for me, NO. It's just way too hard. Two different people. Two diverse cultures. There were numerous cases that the relationship worked smoothly, but more often than not, it all ended up Filipina-taking-care-of-her-sickly-husband or Filipina-turned-into-a-housmaid-rather-than-becoming-a-wife scenario.

I went to the mall yesterday to have my nails done. And while I was on my way to the shop, I met this girl. She looked young and pretty, and when you looked at her, you would think that there could be a bright future waiting for this lass. But to my dismay and consternation she was pushing her husband's wheelchair. See my point? I am not being judgemental or do I sound bitter? Bitter because I am unwanted and unloved? Now this sounds bitter. LOL.

But my point really is, I could not love a person or simply pretend to love the person just to justify my life. I know I am not making any sense again. I should get more sleep. Ciao.

Life's remorse

2009-07-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

Having a relaxing jog for nearly 2 hours with so much to watch was simply agonizing. Teenagers cuddling each other. Couples kissing and hugging caring less about their surroundings. Restaurants crammed with different kind of people, old, young, good-looking, not-so-good-looking, maybe some of them were dating, some of them were waiting for their dates. Arghhh. It pricked painfully that we were walking, eating the Nagaraya we bought from Mercury Drug Store, watching these people and trying to understand "Why aren't we dating?" We are not that bad looking (are we?) LOL.

So why aren't we dating? this is the question we have in mind.

When love fades away

2009-07-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

While I was walking this morning, there was this one thing I thought about. I want to taste love again. The same sweetness I relished before.

I missed the feeling of surprise. When he sauntered infront of you and you never expected him to come but he still was there.

I missed that feeling when he waited outside the office and then walked with you until you reached home, hand in hand as if you'll never part.

I missed all the somersaults and cartwheels inside my body.

I missed that feeling, when he told you "you are beautiful." Because it always felt and sounded like you were the most beautiful woman in this world.

I missed that feeling when he touched you like you were the most precious thing in this universe, afraid that you'll get broken in one wrong motion.

I missed that feeling when he slowly whispered on your ears and said "I love you so." Because for that moment, love has finally knocked on your doors and said "hey, I do exist."

I missed that feeling when he said "I couldn't live without you." Because it meant "you are my life."

I missed all these things. Love is so sweet yet all of it was lost on me.

I missed all these things but this does not mean "I missed you."

Goosebumps

2009-07-22T06:56:00.001-07:00

From the locked doors(even if no one did it), broken plate and now the lights went off ( that's according to Razel) and when I had pushed it on, it did light again. It's scary, right? Who wouldn't feel scared? Especially when you are alone. I just don't want to entertain these terrifying pictures I have in mind. I am glad, I am too tired to think any of those horrendous things. Too tired. I must go back to sleep now.

P.s. Ghosts from my past go away, and never ever come back to me.

Attention needed

2009-07-20T21:41:00.001-07:00

There are few things I want to talk about. I have lost George's USB for his IPOD the other day. I have lost my Laking National Bookstore card for quite a long time now. And there were a whole bunch of things I have lost yet I found myself too lazy to look for them. Like this drawing book for instance. Koko gave this to me last year as a random gift, not because I can draw but I told her I want to practice making a little sense by writing my thoughts on a piece of paper.

Then today, while rummaging on my messy cabinet, I have found this drawing book. And I started thinking. How much time did I waste chatting those people I barely knew? How much time did I lost playing this nonsense Mafia wars? How much time did I spend playing Farmtown, tending and waiting for my crops to be harvested? How much time did I lost waiting for my cellphone to beep, only to find out no one's going to call me? How much time did I lost? Will I be able to compensate them?

It started to make sense to me that all these things around me have life. I had only managed to fix my closet the other week. My laundry basket still loaded with clothes I have wore last month. Movies I have downloaded three months ago, still unwatched and unfinished.

Am I giving life the attention it deserves?

P.s: attention needed like that of the Computer Associates Internet Security Software, I usually troubleshot at work.

Invictus

2009-07-16T03:52:00.001-07:00

Has it been four years now since Mama left with no sweet goodbye? It's so four years yet pangs of pain still haunts me every time I tell the story of how she died. Let me try my resilience this time (I usually do this every year). I was in my fourth year in college that time. It was the 16th day of July, the Feast day of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Parents' day was also celebrated by our department on that same day. And I was also tasked to attend a renewal of contract for my scholarship. And since there were two events that need parents to attend the meetings, I decided not to invite my parents. (Papa wouldn't go for sure.) And true enough, on the day before the said events, they were arguing who should go. (And I am pretty sure they were arguing about the expenses going to the city.) The events had gone by without any of them. I received a message from Koko (chasingfireflies) that I should need to come home immediately, and so I did. I knew from the sound of it, something wasn't right. If she's going to tell me something, she could have waited for me in the store (we both worked in Greenwich Pizza that time) until her shift would end and I will be taking over. I waited for her outside the house, she was riding a motorcycle and I can see from her face a bad news coming. I waited for her to talk. She was out of words, She cried in between her words. I even interrupted her, asking if something happened to my Grandpa or Grandma. But to my dismay, she said no. When she uttered the word "Mama", I fell down on my knees. I trembled, I cried, I winced and screamed out loud. I didn't know, how long I have stayed that way. Nothing made sense that time. My eyes were clouded with tears, that shame didn't even matter. I didn't know who heard my cries and I really didn't care if they have seen my worst.

It was my mother. It was my mother who was gone. And losing a mother is more than losing a first love. Losing a mother means losing your hope and half of your life. It's not just simply a heartbreak. It's more than that. It made me paralyze for awhile. My brain cells had stopped functioning. All I remembered was, I questioned God for His existence. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why her? It could have been easier if it was a different person. Not that I don't love Papa but it could have been a lot acceptable. It would still be painful. Yes. Deaths are painful. That's the truth. I accepted long before, that our lives are really not ours. But I was just not prepared. I really didn't see it coming.

I could have been the eldest of six. But baby Invictus didn't make it. Things that were not really meant for us. Things that were meant to be accepted. Things that will remain in our cognizance for as long as we shall live.

Trust

2009-07-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

A plate just fell on the floor, without any movement that caused it to fall from the table. I was just listening to some music and waiting for my download to finish while suddenly I heard a clanking sound that made me jump from my seat. I can even hear the throbbing of my heart. And made breathing almost impossible for me. I suddenly remembered to knock on woods and prayed that nothing bad happened to any of my loved ones.

Tomorrow's going to be the 4th Death Anniversary of my Mom and my little bro Invictus. Darn. I can't afford losing anyone right now, not at this point in time. Although, I know for a fact, that death is inevitable. Gosh! why am I talking like this? Lord, I trust you. In your hands, I am safe and my family is safe too. Maybe I am just being superstitious.

I shall go to sleep now. 4 more hours and I shall drag my ass to work again.

On a Tuesday morning

2009-07-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

I feel so lazy to get up and wash all my dirty clothes. All I want to do is lie on my bed and enjoy the rest of the day hugging my pillows. I have a lot of things to do aside from my laundry like cleaning the loo, cleaning the kitchen, which I have not been able to accomplish since Sunday. But there is one thing I am proud of, I was able to organize my closet the other day and made my room looked a little comfy. It made me smile. I feel a little better now.

I feel better now. Yes, I feel a whole lot better now. The key to simplify life is to expect less and accept the things, (even small things) that are being offered.