Happiness

I have been gabbling about happiness since yesterday, if it should matter in this life or not.But it does matter, as a matter of fact every human being longs to be happy. Happiness. Such a beautiful word and my conquest to finding such a sublime beauty has ended the moment I've learned that I am pregnant although it did not occur to me automatically that the baby is a blessing, a precious gift from God. 

It took me awhile to accept that I am carrying a baby inside my womb, that there's a life inside the inner reaches of my body. The day she started kicking was the day I have convinced myself that I am going to be a mother. It's a beauty, it's the kind of happiness that is so hard to find in this world yet it's in my hands now, I am groping it and I am not letting it go.

What is happiness? I define happiness as something you never expect to have, some little things you thought would not give you pleasure, those little kicks from my little Destin. Happiness is knowing who you really are, knowing what you want in this life. Now I am sure of what I want, I want to be a Mother.

Destin Gaia

God gave me a baby girl. Her name is Destin Gaia. Destin is a french word for fate or destiny. Gaia means earth. She was the mother goddess who presided over the earth. She was the mate of Uranus and the mother of the Titans and the Cyclopes. Destin just like the story of how me and her Dad made this Destiny. And yes I firmly believe that we make our own destiny. Regrets? Why would I?

When I was in college I've always wanted to name my baby "Earth" but I just can't let her suffer the ridicule for having such an awful name. So I would have to name her Destin Gaia. Gaia also depicts a very strong personality, which is going to be what my baby should become.

Motherhood means change

People are afraid of change. And I am not an exception to that. I am incredibly afraid of change. I discovered it while trying to prepare for work. Everything is a routine. I wake up 4:30, do a quick shower, eat the meal I had prepared last night, brush my teeth, and then wear something nice and walk until I get to ride a jeepney (inexpensive public transportation only in the Philippines.) I never change any of those routines,because if I will, I will be coming late for work. A workmate also noticed something on my computer, I had never been comfortable having a mishmash of the things I use for work. It's not Obsessive-Compulsive disorder but I just don't want to change what I am used to working with. I don't want to confuse myself. I don't want to change anything. I hate change. 

Now I am trudging a new path. It's the path to Motherhood. And this is more than change. It's scary yet my stomach is getting bigger and I know I am going to be a mother pretty soon. I am 24, just the right age to marry, just the right age to become a mother yet my system says I am not ready for this big change yet. But I don't want my baby to think I am not capable to be a mother, I want him to think he's loved and he will be loved. 

I refused those little changes, but here I am facing the most remarkable change a woman can ever experience. My mother died five years ago, Grandma died a year ago. Where will I seek guidance and advice? So to the mothers out there, you might want to drop your advice here.

Baby Destin is a boy

In three days, I am going to see my baby. I've been so excited since the last month to check my baby's gender but due to my exiguous resources, I wasn't able to have the pelvic ultrasound and so I asked my OB-GYNE to have it scheduled this Saturday. Hey Destin? Are you a girl? are you a boy? Mommy wants to know.

I wanted to have a baby boy, now for what reason? I've always wanted to have an older brother someone who could fight for me, someone who could stop the bullies from ridiculing me. So, I just wished that God will grant me this one wish of mine. But I can feel it, Destin is a boy, a healthy baby boy, a handsome baby boy. 

I wanted a baby boy, but I know God has his own plans. If it's a girl, if it's a boy. It would still be the greatest gift I will be receiving this February.

Thank You Lord.

I love you Baby Destin.

 

My Baby's Development (DESTIN @ 24 weeks)

Your fetus weighs more than 1.3 pounds/ 600 grams. Though she still has little body fat and her skin is thin and fragile, she's now well-proportioned. Her brain is growing rapidly, and she is starting to fill the space in your uterus. From crown to heel she could measure 11.8 inches/ 30 centimeters. If you went into labor
at this time, however, many obstetricians and doctors would make every effort to halt the progress of premature labor to enable your baby to continue maturing. 

You may be noticing faint, red or brown streaks known as striae or stretch marks on your abdomen, hips and breasts. While creams won't erase them, wearing a supportive bra may help prevent or minimize them on your breasts. They are very common at this stage of the pregnancy - about 90 per cent of women get them. After you've given birth, the reddish or brown pigmentation in the stretch marks gradually fades, and the streaks become lighter than the surrounding skin.

Rain

The sloshing of the raindrops on the big glass window beside me and the roaring thunder scared me a bit. The rain is one of God's beautiful gifts and I used to love the rain (not that I hate the rain now, I just feel sad), the cold breeze, the frogs' loud shrieks. I used to play barefoot in the rain. I miss home. I badly miss home.I miss sleeping 6 in the evening while hiding  under the covers beside Grandma.I miss the feeling of terror when you feel like the lightning is going to hit the mirror. I miss all the simple joys in life. 

I am pretty sure Destin heard the thunder too and I am sure he heard the hie beating of my heart. Nak, Don't worry, you might think Mommy is scared but I am going to fight for you and I am going to topple down any kinds of obstacles for you and for me, for us.

I love James Morrison's song "Please don't stop the rain," but I would have to stop singing it for now. Just stop the rain, stop the rain. Rain rain go away.

Money

What is it about money? Does it make the world go round? I've always been convinced that money has no value at all. I have been so nonchalant that I didn't even bother to ask my father to start working for the family's expenses. All I care about was for them to give 5 bucks every time I go to school for a banana cue and ice candy. Other than that, I didn't really care. I've always wanted simple living, be able to eat three times a day, buy the things I want (of course not the expensive ones), have a house in the middle of the woods surrounded with beautiful and aromatic flowers. That's all I want, until one day it occurred to me that money has become man's source of happiness. Contesting about that would mean I don't need money. I do need money. Not to buy happiness but to satiate my needs as a human being and fight for survival.

It's pay day. But why do I get the idea that I would still be scrounging for pennies. I have mouths to feed for Pete's sake. And while Baby Destin is still inside my tummy I have to make extra effort to save for his future. And yes! I am an expectant Mom with a humongous responsibility to my siblings and my Father.

Hey Money...Can you stop acting like you are the most important thing in this world. Damn you. I blame it on you.

Stress

"Quotidian"

From: A response to a new book about how stress and health conditions in a pregnant woman's life affect fetal development Stress is a fact of life indeed, but one can alter his lifestyle to be able to cope this. Having a positive disposition in life can also help minimize stress. In my situation right now where ricocheting emotions are present due to hormonal imbalance, I tend to worry too much. I panicked a lot of times, what if I can't make it? What if my baby looks like this or like that? Another stressful thing is when you open your mind widely and think about the baby's future and think of so many possibilities. I need to have my own house, my own car, sufficient savings for my baby's education. It's a big world out there. It is just way too stressful.  Stress is something one can't avoid yet can be managed. I should stop thinking too much, I should stop panicking and do something relaxing. Listening to Mozart has been a habit since unborn likes to listen to classical music. We both read the Holy Bible which made me a little contemplative. I also spent times outside the house for a fresh air, it is sometimes suffocating to just lie snugly on your bed and wait for your  instinctive unconsciousness. Now here's one thing I have learned while smashing on the keyboard while waiting for the rain to stop, "one step at a time." Smile Smile Smile. Life is a beauty. Being stressed out is ugly.

You are my reason

What kind of person am I? Selfish? Selfless? Or maybe I am just complacent. The kind who is unconcerned. I don't know anymore. I love my family. I love my Papa. I love my siblings. I love them all. But I love my self. I love my future. I love my baby Destin. I just don't know how to handle things anymore, I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to ditch them just because I now have my Destin. I don't know how to tell them my situation. I don't want to walk away from my responsibilities just because I now have my own but where else would I scrounge for more money? What else will I do, I would love to work overtime just so I could give even a scanty amount to my family but I don't want to castigate myself with so much work and stress. Life is hard, life is a pain sometimes yet I am a happy person. I don't want to frown just because I only have pennies in my wallet and that two dollar bill my cousin gave me as a souvenir.

I want the best in life. I want everything to be perfect for my little Destin. Yet my Papa's bombarding me with so much problems at home. I can't say no to them. Had I known this would happen, I would have planned it the best way. Yet there are things in life that would come in surprise. Things that would come inevitably without knocking on your doors. And that is my Destin. He's a surprise I never expected (surprise is meant to be unexpected). 

At this moment I just could not tremble and cry because it would not make the situation better anyway. Whatever God gives me, I know it's given for a reason. 

Destin you are here for a reason. I am your mother for a reason. I love you Baby Destin.

To the stranger

Am I being hypocrite if I would say, you never crossed my mind? But the truth is I do miss you and I insanely want to talk to you. It's not a crime, is it? In our meager chance to know each other I wondered if it could have been better if I've known you for a long time. But chances do happen. I don't believe in coincidence but I believe in chances. Some day we will be crossing the same paths, trudging the same alley.

I don't know what I want, you don't know what you want and you were partly right about it. God knows how much I wanted to shout, hey can I and Destin be part of those plans and goals you are aiming for? But I don't know you, I don't know the person in you. In my poor attempt to read what was on your mind, I nearly broke down and was incredibly aghast, with what truly were running through your head. You are stranger to me but I hope one day you will become someone I know, someone I would respect and someone who would become Destin's epitome of goodness.

Haaaapppp. I miss you. Is it bad to miss a stranger? A stranger who is the father of my little Destin?

Destin's Spring

For the coldness of the winter shall fade in the coming of the spring. 
You are the first ray of light in my morning.

You are the blossoming of a violet.
You are the dew drop of a spider's web.
You are everything that's beautiful, every happy thoughts, every warming memory.


You are my Spring, You are my Destin.

I'd like you to be a part in welcoming a new season of my life. My spring falls on December 11, 2010.


Dress in flowers and wear a smile in your heart. Be there at 4pm. It'll be at my place. Bring a stuff animal with you.


Gift suggestions:
Baby bottles and nipples
baby mattress
tub
onesies
mittens
infant shoes
blanket for my Destin
sweater
pajama set
bottle brush
sterilizer
baby undies
baby diapers

To my baby Destoy

My baby's kicking real hard that I can now feel it when I hold my tummy. And I look like a freak holding my tummy waiting for it to move again. These kinds of pleasures are not fleeting, they are eternal. I love you Baby Destin. Weeeeeeh. Mommy's so excited to see you.

I have never envisioned myself becoming a mother at this age. With a job not so stable, no house, no enough savings and worse of all no husband. But the truth is... I don't regret a thing. A friend of mine has told me "Motherhood would make someone a better person." And I don't want to disagree because at this point I am now on process of becoming one. I used to spendthrifts but now I need to be extra frugal (my baby's future is at stake.) I have never been this happy. I have never been this responsible. I used to ride life in reckless abandon but now I have an inspiration to be more refine and mature. Baby Destin, You are Mommy's greatest inspiration.

Lost

I am a nomad. I have no home. I have no permanent place. Yesterday, I decided to create a tumblr account out of sheer boredom. An ordeal I have suffered for so long, waiting for something, waiting for some message to arrive but there wasn't any. So I went to my other blog account, but I couldn't find the courage to start. Starting the first word and then finding myself hitting the backspace button. So there, I made myself a tumblr account.

And now I find myself opening my blogger account, for what purpose? Is this me? Lost again?