Hello reality

Who doesn't want to be put on pedestal? Me? Who was I kidding? I feel like a woman again, with the same needs of a woman, to be loved and cared. It's amazing that someone has sufficed this need yet you have no idea whether you have to hold on to this or not. But he does make me feel good. Whether he is aware or not. I don't really care. It just makes me kind of nervous, though, that someone gives me attention because I am just a girl and I easily fall at any kind of trap. I should be careful. I just can't risk my heart and my precious emotions.

Like any other girl, my expertise is to assume. To assume and anticipate things to happen. Like any other girl, I am good at giving meaning to something that is not really supposed to be regarded. It always brings catastrophe. Usually a devastating one. Now I just hope and pray that our friendship will not be put to risk.

He is a friend, with so much kindness and sweetness. Ask him anything you want and he'll give it to you, ice cream, shrimps, FOOD! and most especially his smiles, that could possibly break a shackle (exaggeration intended). He is a friend, and I should not give any malice to anything that he does, but I did. My mistake, I know.

Like all other things, this dream has to end too. I shall kiss this dream goodbye. And welcome a new one.

Dear Anonymous

Sucks. I want to write but I can't find the words that are going to explain how I exactly feel right now. No one really compelled me to write but I have been in a writer's block for quite a long time. It felt so different. Like another being has existed in me. Like there are some missing parts that need to be sought out. Could I possibly be missing someone? or maybe you?

I hate to wallow in hopelessness and despair. So please let me know if you are real or I shall wait for nothin

Tonight

Tonight is just one of those nights when the only thing you want to do is stay in your room and wait until something good happens without doing anything. Tonight is just one of those nights when you only want to stare at the sky and wait until the stars grow hotter and hotter and wait until they explode and become what they call falling stars and then you start to utter your wishes and the next second all your wishes shall come true.

But life isn't like that. You got to make some move dude or else "you will be subdued." (This one's from Jason Mraz.)

Dear Drew

I don't know where to start
Don't know what to write.
if sorry won't make things better,
I don't know what else I can do.
if I have hurt you so bad, my apology.
I know you are tired of hearing my apologies but that's all I can say.
I know I am lame and can't do anything
and can't give you anything
so where else are we heading?

Drew, you are such an amazing person
and in my life, you made my heart beat again.
I know it sounds "mushy" but what else will I hide from you?
I may not be able to give any effort, but damn, I wanted to do it.
it's just that, you are not my boyfriend.
Yes, you are special. But am I special to you?
Do you see my point?

If the call you made earlier
means goodbye forever,
I shall not stop you
but my heart shall long for you.

Chocolate

Forrest's mother is right, Life is indeed like a box of chocolate, you don't know what you are going to get. Either the taste shall surprise you or it shall disgust you. I never asked any of these, I think no one would ask anything bad to happen to his/her own self. Although, I've seen the rain coming, but not exactly right now. Had I known it, I could have prepared my umbrella. But then again, I still reckon the idea of "life as a mystery." I am not completely remorseful about my life, I still have things I am proud of. Seriously, I do.

Tomorrow's going to be Grandma's funeral and I am tasked to give the eulogy but since I have to work, I couldn't attend nor utter the eulogy. I'm sure she will understand. Sigh.

P.S. Thank you Aunt Ging for the Milka chocolate, made me feel a little better.

Unfinished story

Finally, I am back. Wonder if I could finish one paragraph. It seems that I lost the vibe to write. To tell a story. To tell my story.

I just lost someone very important. You know how that feels, right? The last time I cried real hard was 4 years ago, that was when I lost my Mom and my brother Invictus. And now I lost my Grandma. Why? Sometimes, I wonder why does life has to end? Wonder why it has to be difficult and painful? Wonder if there is really life after death? Because if there is, I just hope and pray that Mom, Invictus, Uncle and Grandma shall meet there.

Death is bittersweet. Bitter, because you'll never see the person again. Sweet, because God has finally met her.

See? This is all I've managed to write.

Prayer

Lord, let the rain pour real hard today so that tomorrow I will be more than ready to face the world and its adversities.

Thank you.

You know who you are

You killed my Mother

You never gave my brother a chance to see how beautiful the world is

You killed my uncle

You made Grandpa's walking impossible

And now you're taking away my Grandma's ability to talk?

You killed so many people

Are you happy now?

No words can convey how disgusted I am to all these things you have done.

Another heartbreak

I can hear the throbbing of my heart, faster than before and then it stopped and then it trembled again. In piano lessons they call it "staccato". I can hear the screams inside me. I can hear the cries reverberating in my room. My shirt has been drenched with so much liquid poured by the rain. I got up to drink water and then I saw that dagger lying next to the glass and then he said, "Use me to stop your misery." And then I asked myself, "Where else will I seek for help?" and then I heard a very familiar voice from afar saying, "My child, Use me to stop your misery."

Lord, what have I done to deserve all these things? Am I not good enough? I have loved my family so much so much that it hurts. I have given them all the love I could possibly give. But then receive nothing but judgments and harsh words. Lord, give me strength that I may continue to walk on the path you reserve for me.

I have realized one thing today, the closest people in our lives are the ones that can hurt us most.

Hunger

I went to the church today and listened to that Irish priest while he was delivering the homily. He talked about hunger.

Firstly, hunger for importance. We all want to be respected and to be of great worth to others. We want others to know that we are significant. Secondly, hunger for hope. No matter how life gives us problems. We still hope for the best. We hope that one day, life will be better. Thirdly, hunger for relationship. We always want to belong to someone. To be part of that someone's life. Fourthly, hunger for acceptance. We always seek approval from the people we meet in our everyday lives. We want to be accepted by the people we care about. Fifthly, We always have this yearning to love and to be loved by people. And this is hunger for love. Many people thought this is the greatest hunger we have. But there is one more, this hunger makes people want some more. This is the hunger for the Infinite. We all seek His presence.

I am not sure, if I did get the message of the priest correctly. But these are the things my small brain remembers.

P.S. Happy Sunday Everyone.

Invisible girl

I wish I don't have the eyes to see your beautiful face, to see how polished your hair is, to see how the color of your polo shirt matches your skin, to see how your eyes speak a language only you could understand. I wish they are speaking to mine.

I wish I don't have the ears to hear your voice, because it sounds like you are talking from a distance and you couldn't even hear me back even when I am screaming out loud.

Yes you are so near, yet so far. And you don't even know my existence. I can touch you if I want to, but you seem so untouchable. I can reach you if I need to, but you seem so unreachable. Why are you so out of my league?

I am like the wind. No one sees me. But the harsh truth is, I do exist.

Some afternoon ramblings

I had this question a long time ago, maybe I had formulated this one back when I was in college. Why do many Filipinas want to marry Americans? A very friend of mine is one example I can think of. She has all the accounts in the world like cherryblossoms, pinayheart and etcetera, etcetera. She broke up with her American boyfriend 3 years ago and never had the chance to find a new one. She is good looking no doubt about that. We found out recently, that the reason she never dated other men is the fact the she wanted to marry an American. She said she wants to have beautiful kids. Well, that's according to her. But as for me, NO. It's just way too hard. Two different people. Two diverse cultures. There were numerous cases that the relationship worked smoothly, but more often than not, it all ended up Filipina-taking-care-of-her-sickly-husband or Filipina-turned-into-a-housmaid-rather-than-becoming-a-wife scenario.

I went to the mall yesterday to have my nails done. And while I was on my way to the shop, I met this girl. She looked young and pretty, and when you looked at her, you would think that there could be a bright future waiting for this lass. But to my dismay and consternation she was pushing her husband's wheelchair. See my point? I am not being judgemental or do I sound bitter? Bitter because I am unwanted and unloved? Now this sounds bitter. LOL.

But my point really is, I could not love a person or simply pretend to love the person just to justify my life. I know I am not making any sense again. I should get more sleep. Ciao.

Life's remorse

Having a relaxing jog for nearly 2 hours with so much to watch was simply agonizing. Teenagers cuddling each other. Couples kissing and hugging caring less about their surroundings. Restaurants crammed with different kind of people, old, young, good-looking, not-so-good-looking, maybe some of them were dating, some of them were waiting for their dates. Arghhh. It pricked painfully that we were walking, eating the Nagaraya we bought from Mercury Drug Store, watching these people and trying to understand "Why aren't we dating?" We are not that bad looking (are we?) LOL.

So why aren't we dating? this is the question we have in mind.

When love fades away

While I was walking this morning, there was this one thing I thought about. I want to taste love again. The same sweetness I relished before.

I missed the feeling of surprise. When he sauntered infront of you and you never expected him to come but he still was there.

I missed that feeling when he waited outside the office and then walked with you until you reached home, hand in hand as if you'll never part.

I missed all the somersaults and cartwheels inside my body.

I missed that feeling, when he told you "you are beautiful." Because it always felt and sounded like you were the most beautiful woman in this world.

I missed that feeling when he touched you like you were the most precious thing in this universe, afraid that you'll get broken in one wrong motion.

I missed that feeling when he slowly whispered on your ears and said "I love you so." Because for that moment, love has finally knocked on your doors and said "hey, I do exist."

I missed that feeling when he said "I couldn't live without you." Because it meant "you are my life."

I missed all these things. Love is so sweet yet all of it was lost on me.

I missed all these things but this does not mean "I missed you."

Goosebumps

From the locked doors(even if no one did it), broken plate and now the lights went off ( that's according to Razel) and when I had pushed it on, it did light again. It's scary, right? Who wouldn't feel scared? Especially when you are alone. I just don't want to entertain these terrifying pictures I have in mind. I am glad, I am too tired to think any of those horrendous things. Too tired. I must go back to sleep now.


P.s. Ghosts from my past go away, and never ever come back to me.

Attention needed

There are few things I want to talk about. I have lost George's USB for his IPOD the other day. I have lost my Laking National Bookstore card for quite a long time now. And there were a whole bunch of things I have lost yet I found myself too lazy to look for them. Like this drawing book for instance. Koko gave this to me last year as a random gift, not because I can draw but I told her I want to practice making a little sense by writing my thoughts on a piece of paper.

Then today, while rummaging on my messy cabinet, I have found this drawing book. And I started thinking. How much time did I waste chatting those people I barely knew? How much time did I lost playing this nonsense Mafia wars? How much time did I spend playing Farmtown, tending and waiting for my crops to be harvested? How much time did I lost waiting for my cellphone to beep, only to find out no one's going to call me? How much time did I lost? Will I be able to compensate them?

It started to make sense to me that all these things around me have life. I had only managed to fix my closet the other week. My laundry basket still loaded with clothes I have wore last month. Movies I have downloaded three months ago, still unwatched and unfinished.

Am I giving life the attention it deserves?

P.s: attention needed like that of the Computer Associates Internet Security Software, I usually troubleshot at work.

Invictus

Has it been four years now since Mama left with no sweet goodbye? It's so four years yet pangs of pain still haunts me every time I tell the story of how she died. Let me try my resilience this time (I usually do this every year). I was in my fourth year in college that time. It was the 16th day of July, the Feast day of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Parents' day was also celebrated by our department on that same day. And I was also tasked to attend a renewal of contract for my scholarship. And since there were two events that need parents to attend the meetings, I decided not to invite my parents. (Papa wouldn't go for sure.) And true enough, on the day before the said events, they were arguing who should go. (And I am pretty sure they were arguing about the expenses going to the city.) The events had gone by without any of them. I received a message from Koko (chasingfireflies) that I should need to come home immediately, and so I did. I knew from the sound of it, something wasn't right. If she's going to tell me something, she could have waited for me in the store (we both worked in Greenwich Pizza that time) until her shift would end and I will be taking over. I waited for her outside the house, she was riding a motorcycle and I can see from her face a bad news coming. I waited for her to talk. She was out of words, She cried in between her words. I even interrupted her, asking if something happened to my Grandpa or Grandma. But to my dismay, she said no. When she uttered the word "Mama", I fell down on my knees. I trembled, I cried, I winced and screamed out loud. I didn't know, how long I have stayed that way. Nothing made sense that time. My eyes were clouded with tears, that shame didn't even matter. I didn't know who heard my cries and I really didn't care if they have seen my worst.

It was my mother. It was my mother who was gone. And losing a mother is more than losing a first love. Losing a mother means losing your hope and half of your life. It's not just simply a heartbreak. It's more than that. It made me paralyze for awhile. My brain cells had stopped functioning. All I remembered was, I questioned God for His existence. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why her? It could have been easier if it was a different person. Not that I don't love Papa but it could have been a lot acceptable. It would still be painful. Yes. Deaths are painful. That's the truth. I accepted long before, that our lives are really not ours. But I was just not prepared. I really didn't see it coming.

I could have been the eldest of six. But baby Invictus didn't make it. Things that were not really meant for us. Things that were meant to be accepted. Things that will remain in our cognizance for as long as we shall live.

Trust

A plate just fell on the floor, without any movement that caused it to fall from the table. I was just listening to some music and waiting for my download to finish while suddenly I heard a clanking sound that made me jump from my seat. I can even hear the throbbing of my heart. And made breathing almost impossible for me. I suddenly remembered to knock on woods and prayed that nothing bad happened to any of my loved ones.

Tomorrow's going to be the 4th Death Anniversary of my Mom and my little bro Invictus. Darn. I can't afford losing anyone right now, not at this point in time. Although, I know for a fact, that death is inevitable. Gosh! why am I talking like this? Lord, I trust you. In your hands, I am safe and my family is safe too. Maybe I am just being superstitious.

I shall go to sleep now. 4 more hours and I shall drag my ass to work again.

On a Tuesday morning

I feel so lazy to get up and wash all my dirty clothes. All I want to do is lie on my bed and enjoy the rest of the day hugging my pillows. I have a lot of things to do aside from my laundry like cleaning the loo, cleaning the kitchen, which I have not been able to accomplish since Sunday. But there is one thing I am proud of, I was able to organize my closet the other day and made my room looked a little comfy. It made me smile. I feel a little better now.

I feel better now. Yes, I feel a whole lot better now. The key to simplify life is to expect less and accept the things, (even small things) that are being offered.